The “Denial is Not a River” Diet
January 9, 2013 § 14 Comments
Did you know that it is entirely possible to run a marathon in March, but by January be unable to sustain two miles at a non-embarassing pace?
Did you know that you can eat upwards of 6,000 calories in a day and pretend that you don’t feel full or sick?
Are you aware that you can tell yourself lie after lie, like saying that you aren’t weighing yourself because it messes with your head, when the truth is that you don’t want to be held accountable for your actions?
AA says that alcoholics need to accept their issues in order to begin to fix a drinking problem, but what about when you are a food user? What about those of us who get relief from food, as opposed to those who eat solely for survival?
Tack on a lack of motivation to exercise; in my case very little running and a weekly trip to yoga, contributes to a body on the verge of total devastation.
Example of destructive behavior: Waking up early for Saturday morning yoga classes, but post savasana, rewarding oneself for a bendy job well done with visits to the hot bar at Whole Foods (their bacon is like fire works in the mouth in case you hadn’t heard).
Once a week hot bar visits is sadly not the extent of my embarrassing behavior. For months I have treated my body like a New York City trash can (full of gunk, but let’s squeeze in a little more, so that its top runneth over).
I’ve secretly hoarded sugar-laced cakes and cookies that I knew would give me a buzz. I’ve made special trips to the store for foods that are known triggers (Ghiradhelli chocolate chips, Kind Healthy Grains granola, sweetened Greek yogurt ) and feigned surprise when bags were empty, before I’d even driven back to into my driveway. Stress relief of the sweetest kind, is the pleasure a food junkie gets from jumping taste buds and a belly packed full.
I’d like to say that my awakening a few days ago happened because I truly care about my health, but I’d be telling you (and myself) another lie.
I care that I can’t fit into a single pair of pants I own. I’m scared by the sight of my backside in stretchy pants. My boobs, much like the Grinch’s heart, have grown three sizes (obviously boob growth took longer than the Grinch’s Christmas day heart swell, it’s just an analogy).
I don’t feel like myself. I don’t know who I feel like at all?
I can’t say for certain that publishing this will change what I decide to do or eat and at what time I shall do it or eat it. I hope I can keep my eye on the fruit bowl (out of the pantry) and watch the numbers on the scale decrease. I want to fit into my clothes again and maybe by summer wear the red Malia Mills that is a tiny size 10 .
This is not about being fat. Or maybe it is.
It’s about not being controlled by behaviors that hurt me. Or maybe it is.
Denial is not a river in Egypt.
Nor is it an option.
M.
Where are you in regard to health, diet and fitness? Are you in denial or right on track?
I’ve kept myself on track for so long, that I don’t often get off track. That being said, I enjoyed too many treats over the holidays, and I am now trying to get back to one treat a day. Which means I may have to throw out the leftover bars I made for Christmas that I’m the only one in the family who eats. And I really don’t want to…
But I will never give up treats 100%. Life is too short to not have a few indulgences.
Carrie Rubin recently posted…Blogrolls—Yea, Nay, Or Maybe?
Did you ever have a problem with binging or over-eating? I have such an emotional connection with food that saying I’ll have one treat, or one indulgence, always turns into a struggle, because I use those things to control how I feel.
I’ve heard of people learning to overcome this kind of emotional eating. I admire that you’ve found a way to eat that doesn’t rule your life! It’s my main goal in regard to my health.
No, I’ve not really had that problem. Sure there are times I overindulge, but I just try to be better the next day.
Carrie Rubin recently posted…Let’s Put This Blogroll Thing To Rest Once And For All
I so get this. Martha. So, so get this. I have been “all over the scale” and while that has been tempered in recent years, it still comes back to bite me. This past fall, I put on considerable weight in just a few shorts weeks – comfort food after the hurricane. Oh, and I, the marathon finisher in 11/2012 can barely run two miles right now either. go figure.
ilene recently posted…Balls
I think you are my soul sister, Ilene (except that dogs scare me a little and I know how you love them
!
I don’t even know why I wrote this post today, except that the denial has been going on for so long, it just couldn’t go any further and it was made real by writing it down. Not to mention, I’m fat fat fat, right now, which is so un-fun…. time to take control!
I know all the things they say, like, “Be kind to yourself,” or, “You’re stressed right now,” etc. but really, I need to be held accountable for my behavior. I never want my kids to have such an unhealthy relationship to food.
x
Oh honey…we should have stayed on track for Miami! I know you will find a goal again that is attainable and do it. I managed to get myself back on track just before Xmas – it basically involves hitting the gym everyday. Posting photos of my expanding waistline and putting it down to be an apple was getting kinda depressing. You’ll find your balance again. If all else fails start watching Biggest Loser – it’s great inspiration lol! xxx
Poppy’s Style recently posted…Back to normal.
I know!!!! I do think I’ll find balance again, but boy, 1200 calories a day sure makes you realize the massive quantities I was eating before. Today is day 4, and I’m feeling really good.
I’m thinking I might want to join a gym. I always loved spinning and my quad injury flairs up every time I run. It may be time to mix it up.
Ive been treating my body like a NY City trashcan since my birthday…Dec 17. I was doing so well on the Paleo lifestyle but with my bday and the holidays I said the heck with it! Now Im struggling to get back on track. Its easy to lose focus. Im an emotional eater, so when Im down Ill grab a doughnut or four. Totally agree with the previous post, Ill always treat myself, life is too short!
Youll get back on track! Ill push you and you can always run with us on Tues and Thurs after drop off:) Heck, Ill educate you on Paleo and youll be in that cute, little red bikini before summer! Youll be smokin!
I meant to ask you how the paleo was going? You look so great! I feel really determined to stay on track, but I know better than to think too far in the future.
One bad day and I could easily turn one donut into four! This is the crux of the problem!
[...] It turns out that a person can survive on 1200 calories a day and not feel like they’re starving. Truly a nice surprise after months of self-induced gluttony. [...]
I totally get this. I was doing really well and motivated and felt good and on track. Then, the holidays sent me a bit over the edge and I’m having a hard time pulling myself back. Plus my hamstring and something in my back/ribs has limited my exercise. I have a really emotional connection to food to and have been burying myself in it. That line about eating upwards of 6,000 calories in a day and pretend that you don’t feel full or sick? Yup. That’s how I feel lately. I’ve been toying with posting something similar. Don’t know if it would help or not so I haven’t pushed publish yet. I don’t have much to offer in terms of help except that you’re not alone in this. I’m trying to focus on one choice at a time and to be tune into what my body really wants (which worked until about 10pm…). xoxo
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted…Friday Round-Up: How did I get here?
I’d love to read your piece. I think it’s pretty amazing how many women struggle with the exact same thing. After I posted this, moms at pre-school were stopping me to say, “OMG…I read your piece… OMG…I get it.” These are moms who never say anything…I didn’t have any idea they knew I was even blogging!
Strangely, since last Monday I haven’t had any urge to overeat. It’s like I hit the wall…can’t go much more downhill than I was… am slowly working my way back to health.
It feels really good.
Crazy how food can give us comfort. Find a goal. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it!
Teresa @ http://www.fitinwoodbine.com recently posted…First Week at the Gym
My goal is to control my eating. I’m counting calories with the fitness pal app and am being kind by only expecting moderate exercise (no high mileage right now). It’s been a week and I feel so much better already.