GIRLS, Parenting, and the Mistakes We All Make
January 31, 2013 § 11 Comments
I read a blog post yesterday, written by a well-educated mother named Jessica Smock, who despite enjoying the television show Girls, found herself so “horrified” by the behaviors and flaws of the fictional characters portrayed that she viewed the program as a “valuable learning tool on how to parent.”
The piece, entitled, “5 Parenting Vows I’m Sticking To After Watching HBO’s Girls,”was featured at Blogher.com.
With respect, I find the whole idea of making parenting decisions based on how you don’t want your kids to grow up to be a wasted and misguided effort. It’s absurd, actually, and while I’m not accusing her of it, find it too closely tied to that fantasy of Polly Perfect Parenting (perpetrated by many a parenting blog) to not rebuke the thoughtful article that may have simply been written from a place of fear.
The truth is that all parents can try their best, even following all of Ms. Smock’s good rules (giving authentic feedback, avoiding sarcasm and cynicism, letting the kid fail, teaching him that friends don’t have to look just like he does, teaching a healthy respect for authority) and still… wind up with a kid who’s totally screwed up.
It’s the truth about parenting that no one wants to admit. Read The Glass Castle if you want proof that totally shitty parents can raise a real-life amazing person. Vice-versa is true, too; perfectly well-equipped, bright and loving parents can raise kids who horrify and disappoint by not living up to the standards of appropriate behavior.
The other day when I went to pick up my girls from my mother’s house, they ran and hid, as they like to do when they have a visitor (it’s a game).
They high-tailed it to the top of my mother’s long set of stairs that leads to the never-played-in playroom. Listening, I gave them a good head start as I tip-toed through the front door.
I then began to play my part of the game; loud questioning about their whereabouts, adding mystery to the search.
“Mom!!!! WHERE CAN MY GIRLS BE?????”
When I approached the bottom of those endless stairs, the girls were whisper-giggling and holding tight to the top of the banister, eventually jumping up and down, delighted to have been found.
And between louder giggles and higher jumps, my five-year-old’s innocent voice squealed this …
“Heyyyyyy Mommmmmmm. We’re Hiiiighhhhhhh!”
And like a lightening bolt through my very being, I saw images of young women with my daughters’ faces getting caught sneaking out, having sex before they’re ready, getting into cars that drive too fast, fighting with friends over boyfriend stealing, getting higgghhhhh … all of this separate and apart from me, reminding me of the truth about how nothing I do or teach will change what they decide to do when faced with the realities of youth.
Some of the commenters in response to Ms. Smock’s article claimed that they hadn’t seen the show, but assured her that they certainly would not now. I find this the saddest part of all. The readers of the piece are missing out on an amazing, truth-based experience in glorious half-hour increments.
What are they really afraid of?
The girls on Girls are flawed. They’re young and self-absorbed, make endless stupid decisions, date idiots, and have more sex than can be good for them.
Are we more worried by the behaviors we see, or by the judgements and fear that we (as parents) are to blame?
And …
Were none of us twenty-something? Have we forgotten what it means to be young? Are we too self-absorbed ourselves to accept that no matter what we teach, in the end, the decisions don’t belong to us?
In a way, it’s a lot like Forest Gump’s box of chocolates.
You never know what you’re gonna get, but cross your fingers that your kids turn out to be butter-cream sweetness who makes perfect choices all their lives.
It’s unlikely, I’m afraid, as life doesn’t work that way. No matter how many loving and thoughtful decisions you make (no matter your parenting style), when it comes to the future of your most priceless and important possessions, only time will tell how it all works out and those secrets are hidden in the stars.
M.
Agree or disagree? I can take it if you think I’m way off.
Well said my dear. I started out parenting thinking of all the things I would do differently than my parents. Then, a few years and a couple of kids in I called my mother and apologized for my behavior as a child/teenager. Now, eighteen years and three children later my criteria for raising well adjusted, respectful, contributing human beings has vastly changed from those first, early years. Am I doing a great job? I guess my answer depends on the day I have had. But I do know I look back to when my kids were little and wish I had spent more time in costume rolling around in the grass with them rather than worrying about their developement. Hug your babies for me!! Much love XOXO
As I recall you did do a lot of rolling around in costume with them! I always told people, ‘you’re the best mom I knew,” before I had kids and still. XO
Hi M-
Love the post and thoughts. The blog looks amazing. I think we do the very best we can to just give our children the makings of what will be their inner compass based on our own sense of true north. They will fail- and if they are lucky they will fail often… only to try again. The most important thing we can do as parents is love them after they leave the nest…. XO
monica rodgers recently posted…Without Apology: How to Measure Life
Thanks Mon! You are correct… and yes … they will fail! It’s our job to love them always! xxo
I think the difference in opinions is definitely an age thing. When my oldest (4 now) was a babe I was convinced that I could protect him and grow him into the perfect man just with love and guidance. Now that he is in preschool 12 hours a week I have somewhat released the belief that he will always do as I say. It’s a tough one to swallow when you are introduced to your love bugs independence. I don’t think its a bad thing when parents are overly concerned with the world we live in. I do believe its easier for the parents who tried so hard to cope with having a bad child than the parent who barely put any effort in. I am attempting daily to groom my boys into great people but if they go down the wrong path at least I will know it wasn’t from a lack of me trying.
Oh you have boys! I sometimes joke that God gave me girls, because I’d never know how to raise boys!
It is scary when you are introduced to you love bugs independence (love the way you phrased that btw). It may be that I feel guilty over what a wretched teenager I was, knowing how much my parents tried to teach me to always go in the right direction; I was very determined (still am) and insistent on doing it my way for better or worse.
Thanks for the comment! Appreciate it so much!
I think all we can do is try to instill good values and empathy (to me, actively role modeling empathy is a crucial parenting act) and hope our teaching makes an impact. Every child has their own personality. How they decide to show it will ultimately be in their hands.
Carrie Rubin recently posted…Reflections Of A Woman At A Magic Convention
I read the first article and then your rebuttal. I agree with the points that the other author makes, but I also agree with you. I find Hannah’s character quite irritating, but I don’t think she’s the product of parents that didn’t try their best. In fact, we see in the first scene of the first show just how hard her parents try to get her to start acting like a grown up.
Every child has their own quirks and unfortunately no matter how hard we try, I don’t think we have much influence on how that develops. We can only teach them and hope for the best!
Melissa | Playing Peekaboo recently posted…Who Needs Sleep?: When a Sick Baby Keeps You Up
Exactly. I almost wrote a bit about that scene with her parents, when they laughed at her at the insanity of her asking to pay for her rent, etc. I did appreciate Jessica’s piece, I think she really has great intentions and is probably an awesome mom. I just worry sometimes that so much influence is put on doing everything “just right” when in the end, we really don’t have much control of the results.
Thank you so much for your comment. I’m off to read your piece about being up with a sick baby. I think I’ll be able to relate as I was up with two sick kids last night and woke up begging for coffee!
At this point, all I can do it the best I can and let the rest go. I have never been one to “over think” parenting. I do it from my heart. I stick closely to my yoga practice because it allows me to see more life (and parenting and my kids) more objectively and has aided me in curbing my strong reactions to things. I hope my girls and not those girls above – fingers crossed – but I agree in that a lot of the outcome isn’t really up to us.
ilene recently posted…Suddenly Sarah
All any of us can do is our best! I think that’s what’s so scary. We try, but ultimately have no control…. and I’m a girl who likes control.