November 28, 2012 § 12 Comments
Earlier this evening I read a blog that was sad, sad, (double, triple) sad.
The writer (a working mother with an enviable full-time position) wrote post after post about her broken heart; the boyfriend she loved, the relationship that would never work, her pain, her sadness, the loneliness, the loss.
It got me thinking.
I’m not that sad about the break-up part of my divorce.
Yes, it will be sad to lose my house; for the kids not to have their parents together; for the loss of the potential that was there.
Sad about the break-up I am not.
Maybe it’s because we killed the marriage so thoroughly that the break-up part is a relief.
Maybe having my heart broken (mere minutes after exiting my teenage years) was so painful that I never since put myself in the position to be heart-broken again.
There was so much sad emanating from that grown-up woman’s blog over her grown-up sad, sad break-up.
Am I wrong to find that a little immature? How many times does a person’s heart need to be broken before they stop allowing it to happen? She mentioned she had an ex-husband. Was her heart broken then too?
It’s possible that my own heart was so hardened by the deep pain of young heart-break that I just can’t understand a grown person wallowing in love lost.
What do you think? A Shrink? And for whom …
November 21, 2012 § 6 Comments
Thanksgiving is coming, but instead of being enthusiastic about the holiday itself, I’m excited about celebrating my daughters’ birthday; born five years ago on Thanksgiving day, 2007.
It was a wild ride – pregnancy with twins; months of bed rest, nervous ultrasounds, undetermined blood tests. Especially after several losses.
The fact that my turkeys arrived on Thanksgiving day was like a gift from the stars.
It came with a message that said …
“Here you go. Here is what you wished for. Here is the meaning of your life. These two 4-pounders are your daughters and they’ve been born on Thanksgiving day so that you never forget how grateful you must be for the gift of their lives on this Earth.”
And I was grateful. More grateful than for anything I’d ever received.
And while I was swimming in gratefulness, recovering from a nasty c-section, pulling my IV drip back and forth to the nursery despite pleas from nurses to rest, I was also arguing with my husband and begging nurses to make him leave. We had fought throughout the pregnancy. I never felt loved and I always felt alone when he came around.
We couldn’t get along, even at this most blessed time. Our paths were divergent despite the impending arrival of two growing babies with our DNA.
My divorce has been a long time coming. It is painful and ugly, and strips me of my will to smile whenever I’m in his presence.
But tomorrow I’m determined to (just) be thankful for my girls. They gave me what I always wanted. I wanted to be a mom.
My errands today will revolve around preparations for the celebration. A cake with mermaids will be picked up and their LeapFrog Tablet will be wrapped.
It’s a pretty neat present for a couple of five year olds; easy to get, picked out from Target.
I only wish I was able to give them the best gift of all; the gift of a happy family. Children with happy, intact families are the luckiest of all.
For this, I am ungrateful. Ungrateful, without thanks, and hoping that they never suffer from the knowledge of their unluckiness; the failure of their parents stripping them of what should have been their right.
When your child/children were born, did you feel like it brought you and your spouse closer or did it put more stress on an already strained relationship? What will you be giving thanks for tomorrow around your dinner table?
November 6, 2012 § 4 Comments
Searching for inspiration is tough when ho-humnity is the name of your game, and your job is to write things that people want to read.
It’s better, then, to turn off the part of the brain that refuses to cooperate and focus on the activities that generate tidings of comfort and joy.
Here is the plan:
1. The kids and I browsed Pinterest this morning and found a graphic designer named Sarah Walsh whose aesthetic interests (pins) spoke to my brain on the side that doesn’t use words. The kids became so inspired by Sarah’s Illustration Station board that they are currently, quietly content at their own art table creating what I know will be framable works of art.
Somewhere in this messy house of mine is a beautiful set of art pens (hidden so the kids wouldn’t use them, but where could they be?) that I must (MUST) find today. Expression through art is necessary in this time of angst (divorce, divorce, divorce).
2. Outside my windows is a dark grey sky; the kind that makes me wonder if the sun is ever going to rise. No matter, I will be bundling my bod (from top of head to tip of toes) as I exit for an early morning run.
It will probably be brutally cold, hurt on a cellular level, but the results will be warmed blood, a regenerated system, and hopefully some adrenaline to push me through my day.
3. Later today, I’m taking my kids to vote. The lessons that I hope they’ll learn will outweigh the irritation that might occur from bored kids pulling on my clothes or the uncomfortable squeeze and tight proximity of three inside a voting booth.
“Women have rights, girls. They have the right to choose who they think should be the boss of America.Once upon a time women weren’t allowed to vote. People with different colored skin weren’t allowed to vote. Ridiculous, right? I don’t know who is going to win today, girls, but I pray he is able to do a good job. We are lucky to live in the United States of America. We are lucky and blessed to have freedom.”
Freedom. The ultimate inspired thought.
What do you do when you are struggling for inspiration? Do you change your focus or just plow though?
November 2, 2012 § 9 Comments
Horrendous, frustrating situation.
Back and forth around we go,
We’re not happy.
Does it show?
Mediators’ back upstairs.
Shifting, shifting in my chair.
Wait to hear.
Hold breath, she’s back, looks worse for wear.
My dear lawyer calms me down.
My crying eyes; mascara’d clown.
Angry, hearty, “No. No. No!”
Quieting, listening, onward we go.
Copy the paperwork.
Soon we will know … we hope …
Smiling, laughing, thinking some more.
But the kids I adore.
Now it’s dark, my will has tired;
I’m glad it’s this lawyer that I hired.
Sacrificing is the game.
Nothing will ever be the same.
Eating my feelings, such junk was consumed,
Over heartache and worry brought up in that room.
But we did it, we signed it; relieved that it’s done.
Still, ending a marriage is no kind of fun.
Are you divorced? Ever gone through mediation? Pretty rough, no?
October 28, 2012 § Leave a comment
When you judge a person for the mistakes of their youth,
You are not highlighting their ill-fated decisions.
What you are doing,
Which is far worse,
Is highlighting your own inhumanity.
Ever felt like this – whether you are the one judging or like you are busily fighting off the inhumanity; wielding off judgement with your mightiest sword? How do find your own humanity in either case? How do you find peace amidst the fray?
October 3, 2012 § 5 Comments
Wednesday is weakening my wesolve (wink, wink) leaving me less than perky.
A daughter’s “nightmarer” made the sleeping touch and go and the morning hours rough.
Ninety-nine percent humidity on this October the third? My sweaters and boots are waiting more patiently than I.
Getting out of stretchy pants at some point today might have helped. Instead I look like I could roll right back into bed, which most likely will happen when it’s time for little people to hit the hay; snuggle in and dream until Thursday.
If I hadn’t been searching for a Wednesday image, though, I wouldn’t have come across Christian Petersen’s terrific work. Could this print be any cuter or more apropos?
What about your Wednesday? Wonderful or wacky or weird or whatever…?